creepypastafandomcom-20200222-history
User talk:CravenKreepy
EmpyrealInvective (talk) 20:42, March 3, 2017 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 20:42, March 3, 2017 (UTC) Re: Story There were quite a lot of issues present in the story. Starting with the basics that don't really pertain to our quality standards, but are still important to learn: This wiki has a set list of categories and "Horror", "Stalker", "Dark romance", and "Creepy" don't really work (either due to them being subjective or redundant). Also, indenting your paragraphs can cause white box formatting errors that render large text unreadable. While it is the correct form in literature, on a wiki format it tends to make lines unreadable. Additionally you need to put a complete space between your paragraphs or the wiki combines everything into one mass. There were additionally mechanical issues. There were quite a lot of punctuation, capitalization, and wording issues here that weigh down the story as well as some plot errors that could use some revision. Punctuation:There are a lot of instances where you forgot to properly punctuate sentences. "Out of everything in her life(comma missing) Lillian just wanted to be happy.", "Good afternoon ma'am(comma missing) I hope you found everything you were looking for.", "Jeeze(comma missing) what a bitch eh?", etc. There are quite a lot more of these throughout the story. I would suggest reading your story aloud to yourself and marking the areas where you organically pause during sentences. These areas are generally where some form of punctuation is needed (as well as before conjunctions). "Good love. When are you coming home." Capitalization: "She wanted more. she needed more.", "The Tall woman huffed in annoyance.", "attention. it wasn't much retaliation but it made her slightly grin.", "Oh, how she desired to lay next to him, to memorize every line and freckle on his skin. to deeply inhale his smell.", "Please please help me. My poor little mittens. I don't what to do.", ""Oh god uh come on in.", etc. Wording: The wording feels jumbled at times."His short brown haired stood up in all directions(comma missing) distress caused by his long thick fingers, his lips were plump and his jaw line was sharp enough to cut steel." It feels like the second part of that sentence needs explanation to fit in the sentence. There are quite a few times where it seems like you left something out of the sentence itself. "Down the street, she heard the familiar sound of a mewing cat. With a sly smile, she raced down the street towards the calico. With tears in her eyes, Lillian made her way up his stairs" I feel like more is needed here to link the scene together as the next line about the cat is "She killed this cat for him." and it really feels abrupt. Wording cont.: "When he finally awoke he was tied to a rod iron bed stand. without a gag in his mouth, he was able to call out." I'm not sure what you're going for here. Are you meaning to say that he wasn't gagged and is capable of talking. If so, why mention the gag in the first place if it's not in his mouth? I know it's so she can gag him later, but what's to stop him from screaming for help. She mentions earlier in the story that she's in a run-down apartment, why exactly isn't the guy trying to shout for help? He seems perfectly fine with antagonizing her ("Save me from what you fucking psychopath?!") so why not scream? This brings us to the plot issues: However the largest issue was in the story itself. This plot of a stalker becoming obsessed with someone and stalking them before eventually kidnapping them has been done quite a few times with Your Secret Admirer, Dear Abby, Your Candid Admirer, etc. Unfortunately this subject has been done quite a lot (even a few times from the female perspective being the aggressor) and this story hits a lot of the same tropes. Story issues: There are also some things that need more explanation. I'll get to the apartment scene later, but I'll cover the carrying scene first. " Yes(space not needed), he just drank a bit too much tonight. I'm hoping to get him home soon do you think you could help me?" It seems really unlikely that two guys wouldn't recognize the difference between a drunk person and an unconscious one. Story issues cont.: "She let out a shrill scream turning towards him with rage. "Why the fuck would you do that?!" With the knife in hand, he turned tail and stumbled towards the door. He didn't have the strength to fight her. She picked up the closest thing near her and threw it at his head. Her toaster bounced off his head and clattered to the floor along with him." It seems really out-of-place that there would be numerous instances where other people would hear them (especially one where there's the sound of a struggle and a woman shrieking) that would be ignored by neighbors. Even if they're not concerned, they'd still be inconvenienced and likely report it so it seems off that she could do all of this unhindered. There are other issues, but I think this is a good enough starting point. I would suggest taking your next story to the writer's workshop for feedback before posting as they're good at catching these types of errors and helping you address them before posting to the main site itself. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:35, March 3, 2017 (UTC)